Grace Beats Ego Everytime

Most of us have a complicated relationship with credit and blame. When something goes well, we hope people notice our contribution. When something goes wrong, we hope they notice everyone else’s contribution.

That’s ego. Not monstrous ego. Not chest-thumping, room-dominating arrogance. Just the ordinary instinct to protect our importance, defend our image, and make sure we receive our fair share of the applause.

People, in general, like to be appreciated for their work. Anyone who says otherwise is likely lying or is absolutely lying. And because we almost fear NOT being appreciated, we often struggle to share praise. 

That is what happens when grace outweighs ego. 

There is a false humility that is usually ego repackaged, and that’s deflecting all praise, and giving it to others. But again, this is often because we are trying to be praised for our accomplishments and for our humility. 

Ego asks, “How will this make me look?”Grace asks, “What do the people here need from me now?”

Ego needs to be the hero of every success and the victim of every failure. Grace is secure enough to step out of the spotlight—and strong enough to step into the mess.

And people are drawn to those who do both.

There’s the old proverb that “success has many fathers, while failure is an orphan.” The proverb’s meaning is universally true. When something goes well, everyone jostles into the spotlight to take some credit. When something goes wrong or fails altogether, everyone flees from responsibility. 

Grace creates a place where no one has to fight for importance. Success can be shared because there is enough prestige to go around. Failure can be owned because one mistake does not diminish anyone’s worth–including her own. 

In our story about Maggie, she loses track of time and fails on her promise to help Yuto and the Jens with clean-up, she doesn’t blame Jones, Nate, and Priscilla. But neither does she express frustration that Yuto and the Jens haven’t yet mastered the clean-up process. 

She has built enormous trust in her people–and they have reciprocated with trust in the environment she has created. And trust may be the operative word. 

Trust grows wherever successes are shared generously, mistakes are owned humbly, and people matter more than appearances. 

Part of this graceful sharing requires honest self-assessement. It’s easy for leaders to imagine themselves good at all things, when all people have holes in their skillset. And yet, it’s those holes, like Lego pieces, that help us to interlock with others and form a team. The best leaders build trust–and trust starts with an acknowledgement of strengths and weaknesses, victories and stumbles.

Trust builds team. Trust builds the team’s assertiveness, buy-in, and creativity. And that team builds trust in our customers, clients, and friends. 

Admit it. We’ve all had that boss or manager or teacher (or parent) who was quick to grab the limelight when something went well. But when something goes awry, their first inclination is not to solve the problem; rather, it’s to seek blame. 

Let us be clear: there is a time to examine misfires, misdiagnoses, and mistakes. There is absolutely a time when failures must be addressed. But when the first impulse is to be corrective or disciplinary, we lose two things: the momentum to solve the problem and the opportunity to build trust. 

This is as true within families as it is with businesses. This is as true of parenting as it is with management. 

A universal law of leadership applies here. What leaders do in the first moments after failure determines whether people move toward them or hide from them. 

When people feel the need to hide, they slow down and sometimes prevent the solution. Sometimes they prevent identifying the problem. But it’s worth stating again: Trust builds team. And good teams solve problems. 

Or put another way: When success comes, widen the circle. When failure comes, step inside it. 

It’s all grace. And maybe that’s why they call grace amazing. 

Let’s also make one thing very clear: None of us is competent in all things. But for some reason, leaders fear people discovering that to be true. 

Grace allows for us to acknowledge holes in our abilities and strengths. Grace also encourages us to open our sphere to people who effectively fill those holes. What’s more, grace gives credit to those who fill those holes. Meanwhile, ego says it’s simply easier to do it myself.

Grace is always accompanied by humility. Ego is always accompanied by vain efficiency.

Grace gets things done. Ego does us in.